Duck and Run

I want to slam my head against a f-ing wall.
That is how bored I am.
I have a new favorite song. Bet you didn't know what my old favorite song was.
("What I like about You" by The Ramones)
My new favorite song is "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mud.
I am a sick sick child.
Sorry
Jennie

Ergh.
Bored.
Very much.
Must find something to do.

I am a loser
I saw him. We did laps around the Falls. I gave him his b-day present. (his b-day was Aug 21)
He said he will call me.
Right.
Excuse me for being skeptical.
I can handle not actually seeing him very often, b/c I know he's busy with work and school. And this is not a bad thing.
But if he's going to do that than he needs to be calling me.
Jennie

I take that back.
I do have this intense desire to tell someone, anyone really, it doesn't matter who, to kiss my ass and go to hell.

is this normal? Should I be worried?
Jennie

I feel so....so...blah
I have no desire to talk/write to people
I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything.
And I have no desire to continue to attemp to make this thing w/Chris work out.
I quit. Hear me? I'm done. I can't take this anymore. It's pure hell.


Yeah....right...believe it when you see it and not before.
Jennie

Googlecooking. Take the items you have available and do a Google search on them and then follow a recipe you like. The internet is your cookbook!

If he weren't so damn cute I'd hate him.
As it is, I have merely moved beyond intense like into the realm of "sure yeah, if nothing else is going on"
Although, if I don't talk to him soon, it could quickly degenerate into "only if there's a family reunion going on" (my family...not his...I like his family)

Ok yeah, so I called him late last night. And his mother answers the phone.
Me: "Is Chris there?"
Chris's mommy: "Yeah, I think he's sleeping. Hang on"
Me (attempts to say) : "well, don't wake him up or anything"
CM (opens door to Chris's room and literally hollers): "CHRIS. Are you sleeping?"
*pause*
"Phone call....it's your girlfriend...do you want to talk to her"
*pause*
"Your girlfriend"
*pause*
"The phone"
*pause*
"Your girlfriend is on the phone. Do you want to talk to her?"
*pause*
Chris: "hello?" (at least, that's what I think it was)
Me: "hello"
*pause*
Me: "I didn't know she was going to wake you up."
C: "ermhm"
Me: "er...yeah, can I ask you a question?"
C: "mhyeah"
Me (thinking 'this guy is not awake'): "Why haven't you called me?"
C: "wha?"
Me: "You haven't called me in over a week, we haven't seen each other in, like 3 weeks, and normal people might think something weird was going on?"
C: "Wha?"
Me: "You are so not awake, are you?"
C: "wha?"
Me: "Forget it, go back to bed Chris."
*long pause followed by heavy breathing*
Me: "er...Chris?"
*more silence*
Me: "Chris?"

Then he started doing that grinding thing he does with his teeth when he's completely alseep.
And it was like "dammit, I'm mad at you, stop that." B/c I can see him falling asleep on the phone b/c he's so completely exhausted b/c he's working so hard...and then I stop being mad at him. But I shouldn't, b/c he had days off where he could've fucking called. He just didn't.
But he's so cute when he's asleep. He's sprawled across the bed (sharing a twin sized bed...me and him...both of us horrible bed hogs...*I* was not the one who shoved people off the bed though) and his hair is all messed up and he does this twitching thing when he's falling alseep, which is really amusing until he clocks ya, than it's not so funny, but when he's actually in a deep sleep, he starts to grind his teeth. And the first time he did that, it freaked me out. "What the bloody hell is that?" goes through my head.
Adn then I realized what it was.
Yes
And you needed to know that why?
What was I talking about again?
I forgot.
Jennie

My wish list

Would you steal for me?
Not a big ticket item.
Just a small one.


Ah. But this is a trick question.
One to which not even I know the answer to.
Which is more important to you? Your love of your honor? Or your love of me?
And what kind of sick twisted person am I to ask you to steal to prove your love?
Do you really want to love someone that disturbed?
You should just stay away from me.
Resist my charm.
I am no good for you.
Jennie

Can I just make a quick disclaimer? I know that, to all of you who read this, I seem really pathetic at this moment, with good reason. I just want to clarify that I DO have a life outside of Chris. Really.
I just have nowhere to vent about the shitty way he's treating me.
Except for here.
I mean, come on, I can't talk to my friends about this, they've all got guys hanging off their every word, and I get tired of hearing how I should dump him. I know that, I don't need to hear it.
I can't have a "heart to heart" with my mom, because, as understanding as she is about most, she also thinks I should ditch Chris, and she's probably right. Again, I know this, I don't need to hear it.
I just hate being alone.
There. I admitted it.
Bet you thought you'd never see that.
Congratulations, you just witnessed my complete defeat. I just admitted to needing a guy.
Hell, I just admitted to needing anyone.
I don't like to do that.
Dependence leads to disappointment, it's inevitable.
I mean, look at the mess I'm in.

I don't even care anymore. I just need to know.
I wanted to write tonight, but I am so frustrated. I could almost cry.
I won't of course, because I can't cry over a guy. That's just.....not....me.
The thing is, when I do see him and I do talk to him, he's all adorable like and I melt and don't remember why the hell I was mad at this guy.
How does he do that to me?
Why do I let him do that to me?
Jennie

I don't understand it. If you don't want to see me, fucking tell me. Don't avoid me. I hate that.

I'm pathetic and I know it.

Fuck you

I am not paranoid. Not completely. I may have been a little cling-y this week, though.
Er, oops?

Chris.
Tells me to call him. So I do. He proceeds to act all cranky like. Granted, he's trying to balance school (1/2 days) and work (12 hr shifts) But good god, if you're going to ask someone to call, you don't get cranky when they do. It's just not right. So yeah, I called him right before he had to leave for work (I didn't want to wake him up) so I said, "Will you call me Friday night?" Thinking, to myself, "ok, Fri. is his day off, he can sleep in the afternoon and then maybe be non-cranky, and awake, later and call me, and it will be better" Makes sense right? I thought so.
But apparantly not, b/c he said "Just call me tomorrow on my cell phone, and I'll call you back and than you won't have to pay" (he's a little hesitant to call my house right now. My father found out I was sleeping w/him and is more than a little pissed)
Now, he was at school today. He slept for all of 4 hours between school and going to work. He will get off at 6AM He has to be at school at 9AM and then he has to go back to work at 6PM
He is not going to be more awake. He is not going to be more non-cranky. And if he is cranky, I fully plan on pointing out that he fucking asked me to call!!
Does any of this make me an unreasonable person?
I didn't think it did. I thought I was being perfectly sane. Whatever
Jennie

Er....yes....much has happened.
My father read old computer files (the one time I forget to delete stuff....the one time (I meant w/in the last year:P ) and he has to find it)
Very pissed. Very.