Duck and Run

He said I was no good to the core.
My father did.
My electrical outlet(in my room) wasn't working. He came up the stair, stormed into my bedroom, and ripped the jerryrigged outlet out of the wall. He proceeded to go to the basement and shut the power off to my room. Which, of course, also shut the power off to the entire upstairs as well as the kitchen lights.
What ticked me off was not so much the shutting off of my electricity, but the fact that he invaded my bedroom at 11:00 at night. And I will admit my language may have tended toward the obscene, but explain to me how it is ok for him to use it, but if I dish it out I am a bad person?
Anyway, he hollered at me to get up to my room and I told he couldn't bully me anymore. And then after a 15 minute stand-off I rolled me eyes said I would've been better off if I had stayed up at LLBC and started to go upstairs (real mature, I know) and he followed me through the living room. I asked him (ok yelled) "Are you gonna follow me up the fucking stairs?" and he said "Get up those stairs and go to bed" and I siad "Or what? You'll knock me down again?"
And this whole time my mom is "I don't want a repeat of last time, calm down, would both of you go to bed? etc etc"
At some point Sarah got in the act and he yelled at her for awhile.
Then he turned around, pointed at me, and said "And you, You're no good to the core!"
Why does this bother me? I've known he thought that for awhile. No one else thinks that. Not at work, not at camp, not even at that damn school they send me too. So why the hell does it bother me if HE thinks that?
Jennie

You must really hate yourself. You're cynical and self-loathing, the epitome of the Prozac poster child. No guy in his right mind would touch you with a ten foot pole. You've had some odd adventures in your day and hopefully, in the future one of your strange journeys will lead you to a tiny shred of happiness...or atleast a good shrink. Take The "Which Kevin Smith Female Are You?" Quiz!!

I wish I could have stayed there. I was doing great, life rocked and not ten minutes after I get home, it all falls apart.
Grrr...
I saw AR. I was all set to still be mad at him. Why? I don't know. I wasn't though. Which makes sense, b/c I can not remember why I was mad at him.
Anyway AB and I were (for some reason) asking ppl to explain New Year's to us, and the reason for celebrating and out of gorgeous mouth comes "It's an excuse for America to get drunk, kiss each other and get laid"
Which surprised me, b/c to be honest, I never thought I'd hear him say the phrase "get laid", but he did. And of course, my first instinct was to ask "Have you?" Gotten laid, that is. In all honesty it wouldn't be that hard for him to accomplish. He's an extremely attractive guy. Italian. Yum. Tall, dark and handsome as the cliche goes. And to top it off, as much as I hate to admit it, he's a fairly decent guy. Oh well, had my chance last summer and blew it. Too bad. That nasty femenistic streak in me. But shouldn't a you respect the man your with? And how could I respect someone who only liked an act, a facade, instead of the reality of me? Anyway, if in some weird twisted plan of his, God wants me and (I almost put his real name there haha) AR to be together, than I guess God will have to work it out. B/c I am no good at games.
Wow. Did I really write that much about a GUY??? I haven't done that since I had a thing for DP

Jennie

Did you worry about me? Wonder where the heck I had gone? No? I understand.
No, actually I was up at LLBC. I had a blast. I'll write more later, but right now I have 2-3 days worth of e-mail to wade through
Jennie

But I can't be a lover if I won't be a liar
I'm not too sure how it's supposed to be
But I can't love nothing that don't love me
--If I ain't falling by 5 Chinese Brothers

Oh oh oh oh look!!!!! The Bunnies are back!!!

Scientific Bunnies

Life has changed. Yeah, real profound thought eh? But seriously, do you know what I was doing at this time last year? I was up in my room. alone, in the dark, listening to Lit, with my knife. I figured it wouldn't be a great xmas present though, so I put it off. Besides one more slip and I'll be conversing with those men in the nice white jackets.
That was a nice knife. It was a hunting knife, designed to slash through hide and grizel of a grown deer (my apoligies to all vegetarians) but yeah, it was designed to cut through things. And it did. And why am I going on about this? Why can't I just shut up and be happy for a 24 hour period? Grrrr..
I prolly shouldn't be talking about it anyway b/c a)it's a trigger and b) ppl I know actually read this. (why they do I will never know)

Jennie

My family is gone now. My life can return to normal until the next major holiday. Well, as normal as it's ever been.
Jennie

Get this. Apparantly, I'm a f***ed up individual b/c I'm (constantly) pissed off at my dad.
A)Hello, duh, I already knew I was screwy, thank you.
and B) if you had to live with that man, you'd be pissed off, I'm sorry resentful all the time to.
Grrrrr....
I am not the retarded little five year old he treats me as and I'm not gonna take that crap from anybody. AND I'm not going to allow you to make me feel horrible about being angry. Yeah yeah yeah "Everybody thinks their parents are unreasonable" Unreasonable? The guys a fricking (damnit I can't think of the right word.)
Jennie

2 freaking hours. That UNO game lasted 2 freaking hours! Only BW could drag it out that long.

Like my cheesy little guestbook? I am so very motivated....hahaha

I worked 6 hours tonight. I was scheduled to work 4. So how did I end up working those extra 2? you ask. I have no idea. None, zero, zip, nada. I went to pick up my check and I suddenly found myself in my uniform working drive thru. Carol is a very persausive person. That's ok. I got a free meal out of it. And I like free food.
Tomorrow we are having this little xmas party at school. Eh, at least I get out of class.
Jennie
Today's link Emode Tests

Dammit......somebody e-mail me. I am so bored

Bored am I
Crime Library

Not much to tell today, feeling a little yucky
here's your link Anonmsg

Oh yeah...a link...Kavita Shetan's Account
It's a Story.com author page....

I went shopping, found some cool gifts. I bought the awesomest boots. Sorta combat-ish looking. With heels. I haven't quite mastered walking in them yet.
I wore them on Sunday. W/my black dress. Hahaha...maybe I should say WHICH black dress. The one that goes to the top of my knees, um, sleevless, kinda dressy looking....but yeah, that dress, my metal choker (it looks good on me, but it's damned uncomfortable) and my boots. I looked good. I don't normally say that, but I did. And I felt damn good about it too.
At least, until my B*tchy little sister said I looked like a hooker. Gr.

My head hurts again.
So no takers on my shopping trip, eh? That's ok....I'll just go by myself *sniff*
Damn-ed computer....just kicked me off MSN messanger. I would give out my s/n, but I don't feel like being stalked. Ha, I've managed to delude myself into thinking I'm important enough to be stalked. That's a good one.
Oh yeah, a link for you, Darwin Awards
Goodnight to all the laptopites from laptopland;-)
(don't ask)
Jennie

DUCK AND RUN 3 Doors Down

To this world I’m unimportant/Just because I have nothing to give/So you call this your free country/Tell me why it cost so much to live/Tell me why/This world can turn me down/But I won’t turn away, oh no/I won’t turn around/All my work and endless measures/Never seem to get me very far/Walk a mile just to move an inch/Now even though/I’m trying so damn hard/I’m trying so hard/This world can turn me down but/I Won’t turn away/And I won’t duck and run, cause/I’m not built that way/When everything is gone there is/Nothing there to fear/This world cannot bring me down/No cause I’m already here, oh no!/I am already here/Down on my knees/I am already here, on no/I am Already here I must have told you a thousand times,/I am not running away/I won’t duck and run/I won’t duck and run/I won’t duck and run/No pass away/This world can turn me down but/I Won’t turn away/And I won’t duck and run,/cause I’m not built that way/When everything is gone/There is nothing there to fear/

This world cannot bring me down/No cause I’m already here/This world can turn me down/But I won’t turn away/And I won’t duck away/Cause I’m not built that way/When everything is gone there/Is nothing there to fear/This world cannot bring me down/No cause I’m already here/

Strawberry: 30/100 Pear: 0/100 Banana: 50/100 Tomato: 40/100 Lemon: 10/100

Take the What Fruit Are You? test by webkin and aaronr!
And


Take the What Cat Are You? test by webkin!

You know, I have this site I go to a lot, kind of a game/competition thing. It focuses on body piercing, tattooing, scarring, etc. (It's hard to explain) But I thought, if I enjoy this so much there must be a few of you who would be amused by it, right? Mildred.com

Bored bored bored bored.
I am so bored. No one is on-line and I am not allowed to go anywhere. I want to go somewhere. I think I will. Saturday. I'll go shopping. Christmas shopping. Yeah, I should prolly get that done. Anyone want to come? E-mail me.
See, I can say that, b/c if you have my e-mail addy, chances are I wouldn't mind going with you. And if you don't have my e-mail addy, wel, tough cookies for you.

Why do I always forget to post this link? dirty playground songs
EXAMPLE
Teacher teacher I declare
I can see your underwear
Is it black
Or is it white?
Oh my god it's dynamite!
(At this point shout BOOM!)

Real intelligent stuff, eh?

Is it just me, or is there something about that damn school that makes you want to stand in the middle of hallway and scream "fuck you" at the top of your lungs?

Why the heck are all these ppl visiting?? I'm going to have to take that counter off....it's making me very very self concious.
I'm bored.....but I have chocolate. We're doing a sort of "Secret Santa" thing at work and whoever drew me put a package of mini-M&M's in my little stocking.
I want to know who got me. It's driving me nuts. I asked CP, but he was all "And how would I know Giggles?" he knows. I know he knows.
I'm working tomorrow. Which means I don't have to go to the school program. Hahahahahaha.
I'm working on my curse-d english paper. Weapons of Mass destruction. It's a strange topic for this school and this teacher.
"It's just another story of boy meets girl. He would give up his life to give her the world Just another story of boy meets girl, he would give his last breath just to take hers away"
Sorry, that's been stuck in my head all day.

Gee Jennie, not suffering from any pent-up frustration are we?
Of course not, who me? What could I possibly have to be frustrated with?

Anyway, in my pointless surfing of the 'net(you know, exhausting myself so that when I finally fall into bed there is not interlude of thought between action and sleep) I found a funny blog FRIED
Not stupid funny, a cool funny.
I wonder what would show up if I did a search for "blogs" on some search engine?
While I'm doing that......explain to me why I keep going back for more?
There are guys out there that like me and have no problem telling me this...so why am I still hanging around and hoping? When did I become so co-dependent? A !@#%! LOSER.
I have "Walking in a Winterwonderland" (Joy Electric's version) stuck in my head. Why? you ask. I have no idea.
I am coming to the conclusion that I'm not really gonna get anything from these websearches. Excite, Google, AltaVista, etc etc
I'm not getting anything worth reading
Bored bored bored bored
I am bored.
Oh, this one looks interesting A top-Ten blog It has various top ten lists.
I need to go now......Good night ppl....

Damnit why can't you
ever see what you do
When you look at me
That way that you do

Stop it I can't hide it
Stop it I can't fight it
And I don't want to
So here it goes

I love the way you say
My name
I love the way you hold
My hand
I love the way you say
"You don't stand a chance"

You put me down
you pick me up
you throw me to
to the ground
And I come back
for more

You entice me
you despise me
you just like to watch
me squirm

I don't understand
Why I can't stand
to be with you
I don't understand
Why I can't stand
to be without you

You get me high
You get me low
You make my head
want to explode
And I'm still cazy for you

And I don't know why

I don't know why I feel this way tonight. Maybe it's the caffiene. I drank a 6 pack of Coke before I realized what I was doing. Ppl ask me why I don't drink. That's why. I would get plastered w/out even realizing what I was doing. That and I don't like beer. Tastes nasty.
I just wanted a hug tonight.
Did I say that? Me, hug? That so doesn't happen. I don't get hugs, I don't get "half-hugs" even (like where someone just puts one arm around your shoulders and squeezes)
Not even when I was going out w/a guy would I get hugs. Except Dan. I mean, I wasn't going out with him, but we hugged often. And Lindsay too. She hugged. That was a fun summer. But yeah I'd expect a hug from a guy as much as I'd expect flowers. Not at all. But whatever it's all good.
How the heck did I get on that subject????
Oi......I worry me sometimes
No one's on-line again tonight. Everyone is either on b4 or after me. Maybe I should keep more normal hours. Of course the minute I start doing that, everyone will be on from 11-2 or something. It's a conspiracy.
I set my counter to not count my visits, when I'm checking html and crap.
I'm going to leave now, b4 I start whining again.
Do you ever irritate yourself, or is it just me?
Jennie

Just shut up and hold me
Shut up....don't scold me
I knew I couldn't make it
But I thought that I could fake it
and I was so wrong

Just shut up and hold me
I've finally broken down
And I might not make it
I'm surprised I made it
for this long

Wait...that can't be right...I put that counter in about 30 minutes b4 my last post and it says I've had 53 visitors???? Umm....I ain't that popular.....

Apparantly I can't get the invisible counter without paying for it anymore.....grrr....oh well a free tacky counter is better than a $10 monthly counter anyday.

For some reason I only blog when life sucks.
Hence the frequency. Hahaha
I need to put my counter back up....and my imood thing. I guess when I was screwing around w/the templates all that got erased.It was an invisible counter, so no one knew they were being counted. Just another piece of info to add to the conspiracy files.

Or not.....whatever....
Being on-line didn't help much. None of this does.
I'm such a juvenile. Not only am I doing this pathetic "flirt with every guy in an effort to make someone jealous" but Im doing it in an entirely seperate world.
Do other people have two worlds? I actually have three. I wouldn't do/say things at school that I do/say all the time with my friends or at work. and vica versa. I don't want to live seperate lives, but there isn't anyway to avoid it. And there isn't anyone to understand. That's what I reallyreally want. Someone who understands why my actions, my whole fricking personality, depends on where I am and who I'm with. And doesn't care

Grrr......if you have a thing for someone, you don't flirt with someone else in front of them, eh? I mean, I'm standing in the fricking room right next to the accursed boy who has had his arm around my shoulder all night and now he's flirting with his ex. His ex! Guess who feels like chopped liver.
Oh well a night on-line should cure me of that one.

There, that should make this page infinetly harder to read than before

How sad am I, really? I will go for days w/out blogging and then bam 40 msgs.
Oh well....
The dr tried to give me drugs for these @#!@$ headaches that have temporarily put my life on hold, but they made me throw up. So I will not be taking them.
You should have seen the nurse. It was hilarious. Apparently sometime within the 6 months since my last "episode" I lost some weight. You would've thought it was a huge amount by the way she was interrogating me. It was only 12 lbs. And I haven't been eating much this week b/c I'm SICK. hello, is anyone home in there?
Grrrrr......I hate ppl like that....

Jennie

Hey look---->


Ha ha

Thank You

if your stalker starts talking porn talk. knowing that you are under 18 and therefore action is illegal, is it time to block them?

Yes, I put the old template up...the other one was just wrong....
ok...someone needs to tell me where to get an mp3 player....I'm done procrastinating, but I want one that works.
Actually, I want my napster back
Jennie

I updated my website a little

This is only a temporary template......I'm working on something better. It'll never happen, but my sayign that I am allows me to use this really nasty one for now.
I'm watching conan O'brien and Ozzy Osburne sing Puff the Magic Dragon. Wow.
I realized today that there is a 3 Door Down song entitled "duckand run". I swear I did not know this before. Weird. I need to find the lyrics for that song. This strange coincedence could be useful.
Jennie

69 messages in my e-mail box....hmm....

My head hurts. No, not like mentally, like a seriously bad headache. And it has all week. My mother is dragging me off to the dr's tomorrow. Damn that accursed intrest in my well-being, damn it all.
I'm perfectly content to ignore all other lifeforms and hide in my room until this dizzy sensation subsides. Curses.
Besides I know what that cursed docter is going to tell me. "You need to get more rest and eat healthier food. Oh, and excersise more"
Whatever. It's probably just a muscle tension thing. Give me some damn drugs and go away.
Grrr

Wow. I am dizzy. It's amazing how fast I can go from being on top of the world to wonder what it would be like to smash into a tree and back again.
This isn't healthy is it?
Oh well, not much I can do about it. Unless I ask for help. But that would be admitting I was wrong. And they[my parents] were right.
And I don't want to do that.

So I'm going back and I'm reading some of my old posts and it's like "Wow, did those semi-intelligent thoughts actually come out of my head? Maybe I'm not as far from normal as I thought.
I was off base on some of them though. Like AE, I don't know why I thought that.....
Jennie

I want to save the whole dam world. I want to fix everybody's problems and make it so everyone has a fairy tale happy ever after life. Including me. But this will never happen. Why bother trying?
Jennie

Where Zero Meets Fifteen
Five Iron Frenzy
My car broke down in Arizona, have to ride the bus again,
at ten-o-clock on Tuesday night, with thirteen cents and a broken pen.
I put my backpack on the bench, tell two people I donít smoke,
see the cop across the street, he thinks that I am selling dope,
I could have walked another block, to get away from the scene.
Why does it always come to this, where zero meets fifteen?
And so I gave my thirteen cents, to the man who peed his pants.
He passes out and falls on me, I watch my change fall from his hand.
I see the lady next to me, holds her baby black blue.
The junkie gutter-punks keeps asking, where I got my new tattoo.
What does it matter anyway, thirteen cents or all I own?
How can I ever save the world, on cup-o-soup and student loans?
I want to try and save the world, but it never goes that way.
God I donít know what to do, down at Colfax and Broadway.
Now the man with no shoes on, says I donít know how to play.
He says I fumble all the time. He thinks that I am John Elway.
I put my face down in my hands, water wells inside my eyes.
What do I have to give them? Does it matter if I try?
I canít stand to see you suffer, I try to intellectualize,
a formula to end you pain, it doesnít work,
God knows Iíve tried. Sometimes my cup is overfilled.
Sometimes Iím too afraid that Iím going to spill.