Duck and Run

Why do I feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. So I invited I friend to a concert, so what? Who cares? And why do I feel so bad? I didn't ask him on a date, just to hang out.
I'm just not sure he realizes that. Crap crap crap. (sorry...)
It didn't even occur to me that that was what is sounded like until GD pointed it out. Grrrrr.....
Jennie

My dear friend, You have all the subtlty of a mallet.
Jennie


ps you know who you are

Ok so I'm a little slow. It took me about a month to realize that KT is dating DP
It's a really long story, but for about a year I had a complete obbsession with the bay. Of course, at the time I refused to admit that's all it was.
I always thought it would totally kill me when he got a girlfriend. But I found out this morning (I haven't talked to him in an eternity) and ya know what? It barely fazed me.
I did have a brief "What's she got that I ain't got?" moment. But I know what she's got. She's pretty, confident, funny and more in tune with his world than I ever was. I'm glad he's happy.

I've gotta go now.
Jennie

Progress reports come out tomorow. The only classes I am not sure about are Bible Q and English.
Wait, I take that back. I am very sure about Bible Q. I am sure I'm failing.
Oi...my head hurts bad. I keep getting these migranes. I think I need to get those contacts. I've always had weird eyesight(one eye is bad) but lately l'll be trying to read something and the words will start moving across the page. They get all blurry and that. Maybe I'll get some that turn my eyes red. Or blue. Or something besides this plain old boring hazel/green.
I like yellow/green eyes I like Dan's eyes. Those are nice eyes. Hehe Mike's eyes are cool, too. But they're blue. And I like green better than blue.
Jennie

Well, I joined a team blog. Flying Elephant. I will post more here (and there) later tonight. Right now I have to get to work.
Jennie

Do you ever feel really out of it? Like you're about to screw something up. You're not sure what, you're not sure how, but it will happen. And it's gonna be big.
I just can't shake that feeling. I've got some ancient dc Talk playing. I'm talking really old. Think dc Talk and the One Way Crew type ancient. It helps. I'm very music orinetated. The right(or wrong) song can totally change my mood.
Jennie

Why does it seem like there is this "if you're not Baptist, you're prolly not saved" attitude coming at me??? And why, if you dare to suggest that maybe that's NOT what the Bible says, maybe they're WRONG, do they act like you just commited blasphemy????
Grrrr,,,,,,
And why can't they turn the heat on when it hits 40F out? I think that irritates me the most. I can live w/ppl being all-together rotten, but I can't stand being cold. My Spanish class consists of me and 2 guys. That was great. I think it was the coldest room in the school. They stared at my chest more than the teacher. I wanted to smack them. But I prolly would've been told that it was my fault for not wearing thicker clothes or something. Grrr...I am in a nasty mood. I'm sick, I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm not interested in discussing A.E., which puts me in the minority. He's got this big-guy-who-could-beat-me-up look to him. And he's so boring. All he knows anything about is soccer. And he's jobless, constantly bumming money off of others. Which I guess isn't that bad when your 16, but still......
I need to get contacts. I'm having problems seeing again. Maybe I'll get colored ones. That would be cool. Some color besides this blechy plain old green/hazel color I have. Remind me to check out Searsoptic.com At least I think thats the addy. I dunno.
Jennie

It's cold in my house. Brrr....my fingers are turning this purple color. Kinda cool. My arm is still all sore where its bruised(heythat's purple too hehe)....that's going to look great tomorrow when I have to wear my gym uniform (t-shirt) it matches the ones on my legs.
Stop whining Jennie...no one likes it.
Jennie

I got an imood indicator from imood.com....I'm having fun playing around with this.
My head hurts from trying not to think of missing people.
I got into another arguement over school with my parents. I'm not doing to great in some of my classes. "If you want to go to college and make anything of your life you have to try harder"
A)I am trying hard. Extremely hard. and B) I'm not discussing college with them again. I refuse to spend another 4 years in a place where they try to indoctrine ppl that woman are second-rate citiziens and shouldn't be taking any class beyond home economics. Grrr..... I am not really a feminist, but shouldn't stuff like that make me mad?? Eh? A little?
Tough cookies, it does. That and "We should nuke all Arabs, they're pagans anyway" Don't get me wrong, I want justice and I want terrorists to pay for their crimes, but there are a lot of Arabs and a lot of Muslims who DID NOT blow anything up. And if you stand there and demand respect for your beliefs, why disrespect all others?
Jennie

See? I was right. I am sick. I actually called in sick today. In the last year that I have been working at McD's I have never called in. That's why I was more than a little irritated when W. was giving me heck for it. We have a two-hour call in policy at work. I wasn't feeling well the night before. So I set my alarm for 5 ( I was scheduled for 7) thinking "all right, if I wake up and feel nasty, I'll call in" Makes sense right? So that's what I did, and she was just all disbelieving. Grr....
Jennie

I don't know what the bloody heck they didn't to this computer. Its making all these weird sound effects when I minimize/maximize/click anything......scared me to death this morning. I got up to check my e-mail about 2AM and it started making these noises at me.
Jennie

Ya know, I know that to the outside observer, my life doesn't look so bad. On the surface it seems like I have nothing to complain about, no reason for being miserable. And if I am it's my own fault. I must have committed some really horrible sin or something and all I need to do is pray harder or read my Bible more often. You think I haven't heard this already? You think you're being original?
Look, I know I'm this close to insane, I know I'm screwed up, but it's not entirely my fault. This is prolly going to come out confusing from my head, but I want you to understand (always trying to win someones aproval I am...never getting what I want...someone who loves me even when they don't like me)
I accept the consequences for my actions and even to some extent my attitude, but my mental stability, or rather, lack of, is not my fault! Or maybe it is. Maybe it's my fault for letting them get to me. For not just walking out of here. When it all starts.
But where would I go? Who could I possibly tell? Who in their right mind would drop everything to come to my rescue (wow that sounded dramatic)
I think maybe this being sick is starting to get to me. I've got this fever/cough thing now. Blech. I feel nasty nasty, but if I take anything I'll fall asleep. AndI don't have time for that.
Jennie

oops.....double post

Ok...I was very patient. I waited a couple days for the keyboard. It would've been faster to go to (heh heh...oops...almost gave away where I live there) and get it, but no I waited.
You think I would be able to get on-line then right?? Nooooo.....
So I'm a public computer at the library.
Went to a post-SYATP rally. Awesome. 0900 was playing. I had never heard them before. OMWOMWOMW awesome band!!! They are the best semi-local band I have heard since Goodwill Suit.
Sadly Goodwill Suit disbanded two shows after I "discovered" them. Sad...
I want to go down to lower Michigan this spring. Yeah, that would definitley be cool.
My friend kept bugging me today "Are you sure you didn't have a boyfriend this summer? You didn't meet someone and get all sappy?"
Apparently this other friend of mine who was up at that Bible camp I mentioned somewhere told this friend that I was a major flirt this summer. That really iritates me, 'cause it ain't true! She was telling her about ALL these guys and most of them I was just friends with, and some of them I have no clue where she got that idea from. I'm not really a flirt. I'm just not very good at it. At least not when I try. Sometimes, I'll walk away from a guy and be like "Was that me back there? Wow, I wasn't half bad"
I've gotta go for now.
Jennie

I've been offline for a few days. My mother spilled water all over the keyboard and I couldn't get a new one until last night. I also got a headset/microphone thingy for my computer. Voice Chat here I come. Hehe:-)
This new keyboard has a smaller shift key than my last. It's giving me some problems. It has also has one of those wrist rests. If I don't get used to it soon it might become mysteriously broken. But it does have all these fun looking buttons down the side. One of these days I'll have to play with those.
There were only three of us at work tonight at about 9:00. These two big buses of varsity football players pull up. Do you know how much food a varsity football player will eat? Oi vey.
Ah well, we survived. Somewhat. Of course the place looked like a tornado went through it.
I'm failing my Bible class (required at the private school I attend) There's no reason why I can't do this. I was doing good last year, what is my problem this year?
I'm distracted. Very. By work, other classes, friends, friend's problems, my problems, family....everything.
DB is having problems with her wedding (see earlier posts) Her fiancee's family is trying to manipulate them into having a wedding that they(the relatives want) instead of the one she wants. And he's not helping much.
I know it's not a great situation to begin with, but I think I would still wait. I'd rather be a single mom than married to someone I can't talk with.
Of course I'm going to be avoiding that situation ....hopefully...I prolly shouldn't get overconfident. That's usually when I screw up.
I should go to bed. Sleep is a good thing.
Good night,
Jennie

Wait, I am confused. Are we at war or not?
The impression that I'm getting (I say this b/c the last week or so I've been somewhat flaky) is that we are not at war with Afghanistan(I think I butchered the spelling there) but that it is only a matter of time.
Aren't these the people who will totally kamikaze themselves for a jihad? (holy war) They never give up. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with the let's-just-forgive-and-forget partyline. I don't want anyone to get away w/Tues events.
But if we do go to war with these people, it will be a very very long event. They won't quit.
Jennie

I think I ate too much junk food. I decided to use my free video thingy(I got Groundhog) and of course when you watch a corny movie, you need junk food. Oreos, Doritos(Cooler Ranch...the one flavor we all agree on), Cheeto's, Mint Creme cookies, Barq's Rootbeer, and some sort of vanilla creme cookie thing that my dad likes.
Groan.....
but it's cool. I actually haven't had much of an appetite all week (too sick/busy to eat)
I didn't do any homework yet. Fell asleep on top of my books last night:-) And today I was supposed to go shopping, but my dad walked in this morning and said "We need to bale hay" (did I mention I live on a farm?) So I did that until about 6:00
I actually walked off b/c of a fight. Surprise surprise. Its really irritating though. I was actually trying to get along. I really was, but he just keeps pushing and pushing. I got sick of hearing how my plans weren't important. His always should and always will.
But I went to town w/my little sis and rented a video. Made my night better and I refuse to let this afternoon ruin it.
I'll just go to shopping tommorow. (I really need some pants...I have one pair of jeans that aren't torn apart and no khakis left)
Good night,
Jennie

Here's a thought. Maybe I'm sick b/c of stress, being too tired. You know, the 40 hours of school and 25 hours of work per week all while trying to balance some sort of a social life. Or the staying up till 3AM and getting up at 6AM (Except on Sat, when I have to be at work for 5Am)
What am I thinking? Seriously what was going through my head when I decided to attempt this. Ah well too late now.
Off to do my homework. I won't have much time this weekend.
Jennie

I am sick.It's a weird sick too. My skin is warm, but I feel so cold And things are kinda of blurry.
I keep hacking and coughing. Great. The first saturday I've had off in an eternity and I'm going to be sick. Grr...
Note to self: Don't blog when you're "emotional" It turns out wierd.
Jennie

Over run mind mine is. Wow....lots of thoughts spinning around with no way out.
I miss him. God, I miss him. I miss his voice, his goofy grin, the way he turns red when he's embarrassed, his gorgeous eyes(you should see them....yum) I miss him. It's like a someone took a sledgehammer to me.
What am I saying? I sound so....unlike me. I don't get hung up on guys. I'm the "friend" Everybody's fall back. And usually I'm ok with that.
What am I thinking? That maybe he misses me too? No, don't do that to yourself. Don't get your hopes up you'll only crash.
But still I wish......
I don't know what I wish.
That I could've hit some sort of super pause button on Aug 5. Never go past that. Just relive the same day over and over.
Like that movie "Groundhogs Day"
That is the best movie. See, this newsguy goes to this little town to cover the groundhog coming out of his hole and seeing his shadow (or not) and he ends up reliving groundhogs day llike 3 times I think. Until he gets it right. Ends up with the girl of his dreams all that jazz.
I haven't watched that in awhile. I might have to rent it.
I have a free rental at a local place. We got them at work for being accident free for 90 dys. Which is a real miracle when you consider that I've been putting in about 20 hours a week (don't role your eyes...I also have 40 hours of school in there too) I'm not exactly little Miss Safety.I don't purposely do dangerous things (at work), but sometimes.......
Oh well......mayhaps I will be able to sleep now that I've partially drained my brain. (don't want to let it all leak out....I have tests tomorow)
Good night sweethearts,
Jennie

"But what you are forgetting when you ask for words is that breaking silence is like breaking glass. The consequences are sharp, draw blood, leave slivers of pain in your fingers. The words may not be what you wanted at all. They may lodge themselves like broken glass under the tender skin of bare feet on pavement. They may crack open old wounds, make an old bruise blue again."


from Breathing Water by T. Greenwood

I'm really really bored. I want to talk to my friends, but for some reason NO ONE is on-line. Odd....
~little voices in the back of Jennie's head begin their "It's a conspiracy" routine~
Jennie

I want out of here.
Big surprise, eh? But I do. If I had the money I would go in for emancapation, but I can't afford a lawyer. And how would I finish highschool and still make enough money to support myself? It's not exactly feasible is it?
I know some of you are thinking "Why is this moron still going on about her own pathetic problems when thousands of people have died and thousands more are having to deal with way more pain then she'll ever experience?"
The answer is simple, sweetheart.
I'm scared. It scared me, it still scares me, and the possibility of it happening again will probably scare me for a while yet.
My instinctive reaction to fear (or even discomfort) is to hide it and deny it. Divert my attention.
Jennie

It's amazing how many blogs that are talking about this are also talking about God and prayer and religious stuff in there too.
I wonder how many believe it when there isn't major problems going on?
Exuse my cynicism, living here does that to you.
You would think that yesterday of all days my father and I could at least ignore each other, right? We got into an arguement about whether or not you can be at war if you don't know who you're at war with.
In retrospect it's stupid to even argue about it, but yeah whatever. So I didn't go to school today. I was tired from staying up and working. And I really didn't want to bother to come up with an explanation for the bruises, again.
Jennie

Yeah I'm still here..I just can't quite register. This is like some video game gone bad. What's going on?
Jennie

Wow....I never thought this would happen here. This kinda stuff only happens in movies. Bad guy blows up building, Bruce Wilis comes to the rescue, world is safe once again.
But this is real life. I think.
I'm kinda scared. I mean, that's not all that abnormal. Someone(s) is bombing various national landmarks and strategic locations around my country, and people keep talking war. I want war. I want whoever did this to us, the killing of tens of thousands of our friends and family, to pay for what they did. I want vengeance. Nothing but blood could satisfy me at this moment.
I don't want to go to war. A couple years ago this wouldn't have affected me much. But now it's my friends who are in the National Guard, my friends who are in ROTC, my friends who could be drafted, it's my friends they want to use as cannon-fodder. I mean, most of my male friends are over the age of 18. Dan, Ben, Matt, Josh, John, Kevin, Patrick.......
Ok, calm down Jennie, don't give into hysteria.
Speaking of hysteria, you should've seen the lines for the gas pumps. We have two gas stations right in town. Pretty much across from each other. Ones by a grocery store (not a huge one) The parking lot was full from about 4:00(when I started work) until 9:00(when I left) The other one is off a highway....22 was backed up for about a mile and a half. waiting to use this gas station. They did have lower prices then the Shell 10 miles away (one was at 2.20 and rising, the other one said he would stay at the advertised price, 1.80, until he could change the sign) Lucky for me, I didn't need any gas. (I had all of 10.00 w/me)
There shouldn't have been that many cars there. Everyone was worried that gas prices would rise so they ran over to get gas and drove the prices up themselves. Hysteria. It's scary.
Jennie

Banging my head against a wall
spiraling out of control
I've lost it
Again

I was in such a wierd mood mood today and yesterday. All giggly and cheerful and wack and about 20 minutes I just crashed.

so much of the time
i walk this line
balancing carefully
and then I fall
God catch me
before i hit bottom again

This can't be happening again. God please help me. I'm so scared. All I can think about is what happened last time I felt this way. I can't go back i dont think i could survive that again it was a miracle i lived the first time
Ha, i even fail at failure. I'm so scared

Please God put your arms around me
and hold me close
until i can see
what i already know
that you'll love me
even if no one else does

even if no one else does....even if they all reject me again I refuse to give in to the insanity i won't let it control me. God I need your help your the only thing between me and a real long fall.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you insulted someone. but you're not really sure? And you so didn't mean to. Argh
Jennie

I apoligize...I was whining more than usual in my last post. Sorry.
Jennie

I can't beleive Andy is leaving. It really sucks. He put in his two week notice today, b/c he's been getting a lot of crap about "proper behavior" They (AKA the s.o.b.'s in charge of making the stupid rules that make everyone else's life miserable) were told by some of the crew that Andy offended them.
Andy jokes around alot. And everyone knows Andy is just joking. And he doesn't say anything that any of the other managers wouldn't say, but the other managers are female. That's not a big deal. And it was fine when he was just crew.
This really irritates me b/c, not only is he my friend, but he was a good manager. He got things done.
Just last week they let Steve quit. Steve was one of the fastest grill ppl we had.He asked for more hours and somehow ended up with less. After awhile he said "Ok, look, I need the money, I need the hours, if I don't get them here I will find another job" And they said "Would you like a reference letter?"
Morons. They are this close to losing me too I want to be trained in grill, I want some more flexibility. I've asked them several times and I keep hearing "Yeah, sure no problem" and it has yet to happen. I was talking to Melissa (Andy's wife, also a manager) today and she pointed out that I was really good on drive thru and handle customers pretty good (I think I could still improve) and that the chances of them training me on grill and "losing one of their better drive thru ppl is slim"
Sooo....I'm not sure if I should be irritated or complimented.
BTW...I have a new nickname...Chuck and Tim have christened me "Giggles". I was all hyped up tongiht and they were teasing me b/c I kept smiling and of course when they teased me I would turn red and smile more. so yeah.....
Later
Jennie

Has anyone else noticed that the whole world has paired off? Maybe it's just me. I now have two, dos, more than one, 2 friends planning to marry right out of highschool. Actually right after 18, not necessarily waiting to finish high school....wish I could do that...leave school...not get married.
See, that would kinda require not only a man that I thought was the best and wanted to be with hime 24/7 the rest of my life, but he'd kinda have to feel the same way. And the chances of that happening are not great.
I always end up being the "friend" occasionally I make it to "close friend" Of course, part of that is me. I can be a little picky when it comes to guys, or so I've been told.
I want someone who's going to respect me, but not necessarily be so in awe that they can't relax and have a good time. Plus any physical violence against me or someone younger/smaller than you is a bad thing. That will so get you ditched. I don't need that.
But yeah, wow I talk a lot.
Later,
Jennie

The coolest thing happened at work today. For those of you who don't know (pretty much all of you) I work at McDonald's. Normally I work drivethru, which is cool. I like it better then counter.
But anyway, I closed tonight w/Lynn and Andy (the manager) I almost always close with them. And after we were done Andy complimented me. I mean, he always tells me "Nice job, Watts" or something, but it was like a serious compliment. He said that the reason I'm on drivethru most of the time is b/c I'm "efficient"
Ok, so most of you are going "So your boss complimented you? Who cares?"
But see, I don't get that at home. That's why it's always such a surprise when someone says "Hey you're a good worker" or "You're a pretty smart kid" or even "You look nice today"
I don't get those at home. I get "You need to do more around the house" "You never do any work" "You're grades are horrible only because you're not trying hard enough" "You're wearing that?" "You need to do something with your hair" and on and on and on.
I don't mean to whine, but why can't my family see how hard I try at stuff like school and work? I'll admit that as far as housework goes, my standards aren't as high. And I never really learned to like cooking or "domestic" stuff....but I'm really not that bad at it.
Its just so hard to come home from work or LLBC (a Bible camp I volunteer at part of the summer) where people are just....nice...and the actually seem to enjoy spending time with me and they're like handing out encouragement left and right (I think I get more out of my being there than they do) and I come home and 10 minutes after walking through the door my father and I get into a huge fight. We fight about the stupidest things too.
Last June, I was babysitting(they keep having me do this even though they don't like the way I do it) and he comes home and starts telling me how to babysit (I think that was what we were arguing about) and I was yelling and he was yelling. And I got up to leave the house. He assumed that I was leaving leaving . Like getting out of there stay w/a friend leaving. He was right. That was the goal.
So he stands in the door way. Now I'm trying to shove my way past him and he shoves me and I shove him back and then he shoves me towards the couch where I kinda hit the arm of the couch with my back and the wall makes contact with my head.
I'm not sure who hit who first. I will admit that. But, despite what he says, I still maintain that he hit me. Like with his fist (I don't know where he thought I got that bruise) But I ended up punching him. And somehow I ended up hitting him on the bone (in his arm) and it snapped the cartilege in my knuckle. So I had yet another nice little ER visit there. I still can't straighten my ring finger out. Not with out extreme pain. Like if you took your finger and bent it back as far as you could.
My father and I have been fighting like that since I was about ten.
Wait, did I have a point here? I forgot. I may have figured out the cause of my paranoia though. Explains why I flinch when people raise their hand and why I jump 10 ft if I don't know they're behind me. And it does seem to bother me more when it's guys. Especcially big guys like my dad. Hmmm......
You know, I think people could save on therapy if they just blogged instead.
Good night everyone

I was on-line tonight (duh) and I was talking to Jessica H. (as opposed to Jessica K) and she brings up something I had totally forgotten about. At the end of the school year last May, we decided we were going to set standards for the guys we dated this summer. So we made these lists of the perfect guy, so we wouldn't (ok, so I wouldn't) end up getting hung up on some guy who was not only a jerk, but also a nasty influence on me..us...whatever. And we exchanged them. Naturally I forgot about this about two days after we did it. That's normal right?
But Jessica comes on and she asks me "So...did you meet your perfect man?" And after a few moments of silence "Would you like me to resend the list so you can compare?" So she did. And this is really creepy, b/c I actually DID meet someone who not only matched the character/personality/whatever part...but he even looks like that....it is so weird....funny, but weird. I'll let you see the list now
Da Man
A. Personality Plusses
A belief in God
A pyro
Funny and sarcastic. But also knows when to quit(most of the time)
willing to help somebody else out, even if it puts him out to do it.
The ability to cook.
A pyro.
Unafraid to show affection, not like slobbering all over me, but holding hands.
Understands that if I don't hug him, it prolly has nothing to do w/him..it's just that paranioa of mine.


B. Physical Appearance
Hair color: doesn't matter....I prefer them bald/shaved
Eye color: green...but not normal green...like a yellow green or a blue green or yeah just an unusaul type green, w/long eyelashes definetly a plus
Height: right around mine...an inch or two difference is fine either way.
Strength: Strong, but not like buff or anything, it's fine if he can beat me up, but if he looks like he can it's a turnoff.
Other. Any sort of physical oddity is cool. The physical isn't all that important.


Creepy....I hope the poor man never sees this (he won't...he doesn't know my blog exists...haha)
'Til next time then,
Jennie

Oops...double posted...sorry

I don't know where I want to go for college. Or if I even want to go to college. Apparently this is a big sin. Lots of people don't go to college right out of highschool. Lots of people never go to college. And they do just fine. Maybe I'll just put it off for a little while until I figure out what the heck I'm going to do. I want to do something where I'm in charge. People answer to me, not the other way around.
But at the same time I have this fear that maybe I'm not really a "leader" maybe I'm just a bossy "follower", always parroting what someone higher up tells me.
Maybe I'll just be like a trucker or something. Yeah, me driving a big powerful 18-wheeler, traveling all over, lots of driving (I like to drive, and I'm not bad) and the money's not bad. Plus college is not a requirement. Yeah trucking, that's it.
Well, I'm glad I got that decided.
Good night then,
Jennie

Good morning everyone,
I am actually semi-new to this blogging, but I thought I'd try my hand at it. Someone told me that to be good at this you have to A)lead an interesting life and B) be a good writer. If this is true (which I don't think it is) than I guess I'm already screwed.
This is an intro of sorts. I am Jennie. As of now I am 16 and 1/2, newly licensed and somewhat confused regarding boys, college and God. I sound pretty normal so far, but don't let that fool you. 'Til next time then,
Jennie